The year was 1991 there were four of us sitting around a circular table discussing the topic of interest at the moment. Without my usual filter I blurted out “I’m going to stop letting fear control my life.” The conversation stopped in midstream and 3 sets of eyes turned in my direction. No one said anything to my statement of intent. Three seconds later the conversation took up where it had left off.
I was not surprised with their response or lack there of. What could they say? I had broached a topic most are uncomfortable with. We all have fear, everyone knows this to be true. What was uncomfortable was I had taken it a step further and admitted fear controlled my life.. Who wants to admit that? Me I guess.
Now that I proclaimed my intention out lowd how in the world would I accomplish it? The next day I began to journal my inner life. Although I had no clue in the beginning I was expressing my thoughts and feelings to anything other than my own head, I discovered another world existed much later.
Without really knowing where to begin I wrote down the statement I had make the prior night. “I’m going to stop letting dear control me.” Why had I used the word letting? Looking up its definition: allow, give permission to, empower, authorize. I allow, give permission to and empowered fear to control me! How do I do that? And why? What surprised me about this admission was I found not only disbelief and confusion there was also a very real sense of hope. Why would I feel hope I asked myself. The answer: if I truly; allowed fear to control me then I also have the power not to. I was just at a loss on how I gave fear permission to control me much less how to stop doing it to begin with.
BUT I WOULD NOT STOP UNTIL I FOUND THE ANSWER, that I was sure of.
I began to journal with no idea what I was looking for or what I would find. Everyday I wrote all the thoughts and feelings I encountered. A pattern started to emerge. Two very distinct voices filled me and they seemed to be at war. It was easier to distinguish them from each other when I gave each one a name. Fear and Spirit.
I was aware Fear controlled me, hence my admission to my friends, what I was not prepared for was how in the world Fear had become so powerful in most aspects of my life, motivating most choices I made at the same time controlling the beliefs I held to be true about who I was. Most of my potential, gifts, purpose all rested upon what Fear told me to believe. This was not easy to swallow. What I expected to find was more of “me” deciding the future of my life. Oh, I was in there but my true self seemed to be drowned out because I believed in the lies Fear Spoke.
It became abuntunley clear I had allowed Fear to control me! YUK! Why would I do this? How do I stop myself from continuing to do this? What I had going for me was a deep ,deep belief, no it was more of a knowing, that there was more to me than I was able to access at the present time. Knowing to me is all about believing in something without the energy of doubt hijacking it.
First it was imperative to admit the truth of the was taking place deep inside of me. The deepest reaches where choices are made and why. I discovered to enter this deep unknown world there was a key needed. Not the normal brass or nickel silver type, it was more of an energetic key made from question. Questions themselves opened a door by showing my inner world I was ready to face the truth of who really was controlling my life. Questions asked Questions answered.